Doing It Differently Doesn't Mean Not Understanding

I am neither crunchy nor mainstream, but I am a kick ass mother.

Something I've started to notice lately in conversations, things I read, on TV or the various other ways I get information is people assume that if another mother or I take a path that is different than they did whether it be birth, parenting, cooking, eating, laundry or whatever that it means the other mother or I am not informed that another path exists. Assumptions are made that some moms care more than others, some work harder than others, and some know more than others.

One thing I learned early in life before I had thoughts of being a wife or mother (well not really I had those thoughts in kindergarten) was we can all be in the same room looking at the same thing but we will all see something different. We bring different viewpoints, perspectives, experiences, prejudices, and opinions to the same situations. And just because what I experience is my truth doesn't make it someone else's truth.

One thing I also know is I like to stand up for what I believe in. It doesn't always make me popular and it doesn't always make me right, but I can always sleep at night knowing I can be proud of myself. I say something when someone says something racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, etc. But for some reason, when other parents tell me how to raise Noah or tell other parents how to raise their kids, I stand silent, trying not to offend the very person that does not have the same respect or regard for my feelings or for other parents.

Here are some choices I along with my kickass husband have made for our family and we're proud of. They may not work for you and your family and I respect that, but I am proud to stand behind my own life decisions and they need to be respected too.

I got an epidural. Under no circumstance will you ever here me recommend an epidural to a pregnant woman. In fact, I cringe when I hear other women tell each other to get them. I think it's short-sighted to make a decision like that without reading all the potential things that are good and bad about them. That said, I have no complaints or regrets. The epidural didn't mean I didn't feel Noah coming out, it didn't stop Noah and me from bonding. He's perfectly healthy and normal. What it did mean was when my preemie came and my water broke ahead of time meaning I couldn't have the waterbirth I planned on, I still felt in control. I labored at least 16 hours with back labor before I made that decision. I was losing it. All of the information we learned in our Bradley class went out the window and I wanted to run in the woods alone to scream. Getting an epidural changed the way I felt about Noah's birth. I went from freaking out about what could be wrong with him due to his early arrival to being totally calm and focused. I knew myself well enough to make an informed decision about what I needed. When Noah came out sideways (as in vertical to what is normal), I was grateful that I had made that decision.

I will never do any form of crying it out. I am one of those people that just doesn't believe in crying it out. I know lots of parents believe in various forms of this and it's not always the same. I have never told a mom that did cry it out that I think it's bad for her or her child because that's not my place. To be honest, I don't think a lot about what other parents do in this regard. The fact that I don't do cry it out doesn't mean that I should happily accept sleepless nights. I'm human and I get tired too. If I want to complain that I'm tired, I am just as justified as anyone else in complaining whether or not it's because I'm not willing to let Noah cry himself back to sleep. If I thought getting up as much as Noah and I still do made me a worse or incapable mother, I would of course have to find a different solution. But coffee works wonders for me. I like going to pick Noah up in the night and knowing that he feels safe and comforted by me. I'm confident this won't mean he can never sleep on his own.

We co-slept for 15 months. I think I would have quit breastfeeding if we didn't co-sleep with Noah. I also think he would have been a lot more uncomfortable during the height of his reflux if I didn't hold him upright all night. Ash and I loved going to sleep and watching Noah sleep peacefully. We loved waking up to him cuddling up to one of us. Noah would go to bed with his arms outstretched touching both of us and smiling. We did it until Noah flipped around so much in the night it didn't seem safe to us anymore. Then we moved him into his crib. He doesn't feel neglected in there and only sometimes cries in the night. Other times he talks to the video camera at the end of his crib and waits patiently for me to go cuddle him. Would I suggest this to other people? Sure if you ask me and your kid is like Noah, but not if he/she isn't. It works for our family and it's what we are comfortable with.

We're still breastfeeding. Noah's 20 months old, and I'd be lying if I didn't tell you there are times I want to wean him. But we're taking it a day at a time, and it makes him feel safe and secure and it's extra calories and vitamins in addition to the food he eats in the day. Breastfeeding a toddler doesn't mean that it wasn't hard for us at the beginning of our breastfeeding relationship. It also doesn't mean that I judge other women who choose not to breastfeed or can't. I know that we all love our children and try to do right by them. But we struggled a ton at the beginning, and it was five weeks and a dose of antibiotics before we had the start of an amazing nursing relationship. I can't imagine if we hadn't stuck it out with nursing. Nursing lets me calm Noah easily when he gets hurt or is sick. He now sings a nursing cheer which makes me laugh really hard. It's like he's motivating all of us to keep sticking it out.

I'm a stay at home mom. It doesn't mean I'm less smart or goal oriented than any one else. It does mean our family is privileged enough to be able to make a choice like this one. Ash has a great job and is willing to be the only income for the years I decide to stay home and raise Noah. It doesn't mean that we're wealthy though. Moving from two incomes and no children to one income and a child means that our family makes sacrifices and Ash and I go without things we used to be able to have like eating out, new clothes, and non-luxuries. I love being home with Noah and so far despite a day (or two) where I've thought about going back to work and sending Noah to daycare, I am completely happy and fulfilled being home with Noah all day every day. It doesn't mean that my free time isn't as valuable as a working mom's though. I need space and time to myself too even though I choose to spend a majority of my time involved with Noah. I don't want to spend my free time cleaning on the weekends either.

All this is to say, I am aware that I've made decisions that are different than people I know in some cases and the same in others. I'm happy with all of our decisions though, and I plan to raise a happy, very spirited little boy without breaking his spirit at all. Only time will tell if these decisions work well for Noah, but right now, Ash, Noah and I are all really happy with all of the decisions we've made as a family. And I'm happy to stand by them. Not because everything I do is right, but because I have made educated, well thought out decisions about all of them. I'm not a perfect mom, but I am a pretty kick ass mom. Just ask Noah and Ash. They'll cosign for me.