Saturday, September 24, 2011

Promises to Fancy

When I first started this blog back in 2009, one of the first posts I wrote was a post called Promises to Demorris. Demorris was our fake baby name for Noah, and I had just read Malika Chopra's book Promises to My Children which made me want to make my own promises to my future child.

I'd like to make some of the same promises to Fancy, to add a few, and to expand on some.

1. I promise to love you for who you are. No matter who you choose to be in life, Fancy, you will always be my daughter, and you will always have a mom that wants the best for you and is willing to help you be the best you you were meant to be.

2. I'll be here to catch you when you fall, but I won't be standing right behind you waiting for it to happen. Mother/daughter relationships seem to be complicated sometimes, and I want you to know that I will try not to micromanage your decisions, but even when you don't see me, know I am there with you, and I will always be only a phone call, a walk or a conversation away.

3. I will understand you are not your brother and he is not you. I want Noah and you to love each other very much. Noah already talks to you daily, lifts my shirt to listen to you, pats you and you kick back at him. If your relationship now is any indication of the future, you two love each other a lot. I know as a parent the best thing I can do is recognize that you are two different people, and I will encourage you to have strong/healthy relationship. I will do my best to make sure that's possible for you both by not creating or allowing unhealthy competition or jealousy in our home.

4. Relationships with relatives. I promised your brother I wouldn't restrict relationships with relatives based on my feelings about those relatives, and I'd like to make you the same promise in a more complicated way. I promise to let you love who you love without consequence. I've learned a lot from being Noah's mom that I think will benefit you. One of the things I have learned is it is so important to make an effort with people that should be important in your children's lives, but I also understand now that just because someone is a relative it does not make them family. I promise to let you decide for yourself about people, but most importantly, I promise not to bring you around people that are toxic to our family. I made lots of efforts with different people for Noah's sake that I now realize were efforts that should have been made to encourage relationships with positive, loving family members and friends. I'll still make sure to bring you around to meet with anyone who wants to meet you or be a part of your life, but I'll make sure to have my mama bear on when we do, and no one will be allowed to mistreat you or other members of our family.

5. I promise to encourage your relationship with your dad. You're going to love your daddy. He's a great dad, and I know as a mom I need to make sure that I do what I can to give you two alone time to form your own relationship. I promise not to be jealous if you are closer to daddy than you are to me. I just want you to know you have two parents who love your brother and you more than anything in the world.

6. I promise to continue to work towards changing the world for you. Noah and I spent a lot of time lobbying in Annapolis this year for marriage equality and gender identity protections. Next year, I hope I can bring you both to Annapolis at least once. I know it's going to be more difficult, but I promise you will grow up knowing that I used my voice and the energy I could to work towards making the world a better place and somewhere we can both be proud of.

7. I promise you will learn about loving relationships by witnessing them. My relationship with you is so important to me. I promise to teach you how to love by loving you. I also promise you will see loving relationships between your brother and me, your father and me, your brother and father, and your father and you. We have a very strong family, and I hope you will always feel loved and secure.

8. I promise to love your dad no matter what. Marriages are complicated, and we're lucky we have a very strong marriage, but I promise no matter what the future holds, I will always love your dad and you will know that.

9. I promise to explore the world with you. Whether it's an ant whole or a trip to another country, I promise to explore, listen and enjoy the world around us. I know you will look at the world differently than I do, and I can't wait to see, hear and witness what you think about it and how you fit into it.

10. I promise to love you. No matter what. Pure and simple. No strings attached.


  1. Amanda, I cried when I read this. So many of these, make so much sense to me. Particularly, the one about family, who really is family, and who is not, is such a hard one, and so easy to let our own conceptions lead (or mislead) us and decide for someone else. Giving my AMerican husband the space to build his relationship with my Indian family has been challenging enough to me, I can only imagine how it might be in a parenting role. I look up to you and Ash as role models in parenting. You and your family have all my blessings, positive energy and support.

  2. Love you Red! Mom